Why Sex Outside of Marriage is Wrong

This is one of the lamest shirts I’ve seen in a long…long time.  Sure, all these issues are a part of a healthy relationship but sex has nothing to do with them.  It is true that all these topics should be discussed before marriage, but sex is the one thing that should be postponed.

I believe that sex outside of marriage is wrong and I’ll tell you why in a minute.  Most people would agree that having sex with someone other than your spouse is wrong but not everybody sees anything wrong with having sex with someone if they’re truly “in love” no matter if they’re married or not.  First, let me give you some of my background.  I was raised in the church.  Part of the reason I have come to this conclusion has a lot to do with my childhood in the church but the other part is because I have discovered for myself that it is wrong.  I haven’t been “brainwashed” by some pastor and it hasn’t been hammered into me by means of a “fanatical” clergyman.  In other words, I’m not drinking the “Holy Kool-Aid”.

When I married in 2001, my (then) wife and I were both virgins.  I had upheld that virtue throughout my life.  It wasn’t always easy and I had many opportunities to lose my virginity…but I always held a deep down desire (even during my very rebellious teenage years) that my virginity was sacred.  I wanted to share it only on my wedding night with someone special to whom I had committed myself to in marriage.  I kept that promise pure but it was pretty darn tough!

Sex was invented by God to take place between a husband and a wife, not between two people who have just met and want to roll around in the sheets for one steamy night of intimate bliss.  Not even between a couple who has been dating for 2 years and wants to tie their intimacy knot by “sanctifying” things on their anniversary.  Not everybody believes the way I do but most of those who profess to be Christians believe that sex should be kept sacred.

As the Bible states, sex causes two people to become “one flesh”.  Christians place a higher value on sex than the average non-believer does.  Sex is ultimately seeking out what God truly made us for.  The views Christians hold about sex are much more inspiring, fulfilling and vibrant than the average “quick fix” culture is out there.  While it might seem old-fashioned or passé to people outside the faith, the Christian view of sexuality is actually a very radical one.  It’s radical because it goes against the culture and holds up human sexuality as nothing less than an icon of the inner life of God.  God made sex feel so good and that’s why it is misused so much.  That’s why there are so many negative consequences of having sex outside of marriage.

Why do I not believe in sex outside of marriage?  Well, there are two aspects to it: the physical and the emotional.

The Physical Side

The physical side is obvious.  Any time a couple has sex, there is a possibility that the female could get pregnant.  Because not all pregnancies are intended, an “accidental” pregnancy (if there is such a thing) might happen.  That can open up a 55 gallon drum of worms, if you know what I mean.  Unfortunately, it’s usually the woman who ends up having to deal with the lasting consequences of an unwanted or “accidental” pregnancy.  Because of their unattached ways, too many men end up leaving the woman and the child and go from one intimate/broken relationship to the next.  It is seen way too often in our society and usually ends up as a sad story with fatherless children growing up in a single-mother home.  But that’s for another post.

Another physical aspect of sex outside of marriage is STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases [not Sexually Transmitted Infections as some people try to use the more subtle term]).  Some of these STDs are deadly while others are very uncomfortable, very contagious and sometimes embarrassing.  I know most of you have had to sit through that “special slide-show” during high school where they separated the guys from the gals.  Yes, those were pictures of real people.  Unfortunately, schools pass out condoms instead of teaching abstinence.  The public school’s view is, “If they’re going to do it anyway, why not give them protection?!” but that’s another story for another day.  No one wants to live with an STD and the best way to avoid one (and stop the spread of one) would be to only have sex with someone you are married to; i.e. your spouse.  Someone who you are (hopefully) going to spend the rest of your life with.  I know there are many variables and exemptions to this but my reasons cover the majority of situations.  Plus, I’m not Dr. Phil sex therapist and I don’t want to get into it!

The Emotional Side

There is also the emotional side to sex.  For the man, sex is mostly physical.  We men are very visual when it comes to sex.  Sure, there is a more subtle emotional side for us but most men can say that they have sex because it “feels good”, right?  Not because it draws on our inner sanctum of heart throbbing sentiment.  Women have sex because they want to “be with their man”.  To a woman, having sex imprints their soul onto their partner and vice versa.  They immerse themselves in feeling the intimate, warm, close, personal and emotional thrill of sex.  Why would someone want to experience that unique oneness with someone they are not committed to?  Wouldn’t it just make sense to be married to that person as a sign of a total and (hopefully) a lifelong commitment to that person?

Here’s another look into sex and intimacy.  Alice Fryling, in an article entitled “Why Wait for Sex?” writes:

Genital sex is an expression of intimacy, not the means to intimacy.  True intimacy springs from verbal and emotional communion.  True intimacy is built on a commitment to honesty, love and freedom.  True intimacy is not primarily a sexual encounter.   Intimacy, in fact, has almost nothing to do with our sex organs.  A prostitute may expose her body, but her relationships are hardly intimate.”

Some experts even report that premarital sex short-circuits the emotional bonding process.  Sex exists at the end stage of emotional and intimate bonding.  It is the final goal.  If all the steps in-between are skipped and a couple jumps right into sex, they are cutting out a very important process where each step needs to be experienced to the fullest before moving on to the next.  Because of that, they will not be totally and completely committed to each other.  Donald Joy, a writer for Christianity Today, cited a study of 100,000 women that linked “early sexual experience with dissatisfaction in their present marriages, unhappiness with the level of sexual intimacy and the prevalence of low self-esteem”.  Now, who would want that?

Some people also believe that having pre-marital sex makes you better at sex.  Kind of like “test driving” a car before you buy it.  That is pretty faulty logic because no guy is going to just “test drive” one woman before marriage.  Sex is addicting.  If he does eventually marry, then he would struggle with comparing all his other sex partners with his wife.  Spouses can be threatened if they feel they are being compared to other previous partners in any way.  If anyone disagrees with that statement, then why would they even need to “test drive” anyone in the first place?  The man who hasn’t ever seen or driven more than one car doesn’t know what other cars are like; therefore he would be satisfied with his one automobile.  So abstaining from premarital sex protects the emotional safety the spouse needs to feel in marriage.

Many people just enjoy the act of sex but not the consequences (some good and some not so good) that come with it.  Sex is not just between the legs but between the ears.  Whoever indulges in sex has to be prepared to face the results.  Sex has been viewed as the gate that leads to the house (marriage and family).  In that house is the institution of a family.  With family comes responsibility, love, faithfulness, loyalty, togetherness, hard work, sweat, sometimes tears and many other things.  Raising a family takes dedication, investment, leaning from mistakes and reaping the benefits.  Some people are not willing to carry that kind of responsibility, so they just prefer hanging out around the gate and not wanting to go into the house.

C. S. Lewis refers to this when he says:

The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union.”

As I said before, most guys have sex because it “feels good”.  They want that rush of physical intimacy but don’t want to deal with the responsibility that sex is intended for.  They don’t want to commit either.  They just jump from partner to partner, never satisfied as the number of partners keeps mounting – no pun intended.  I am reminded of a stray dog that needs to be neutered.  I am not calling those kind of people “stray dogs”, I’m just equating their actions to a stray dog.

That’s why there are so many single mothers out there.  They’ve been burned by one or two (or three or more) men who only wanted to experience a short time of fun.  As soon as the guy has to step up to the plate, be a man and help parent his kid, they run away and leave their former lover alone, pregnant and without direction.  Or they stay with the woman but decide to not marry, opening their “relationship” to failure because of non-commitment.  Of course not all situations are like this, but this does happen more often than not.

What’s the Point?

So what am I saying here?  What point am I trying to make?  As hard as it will be, save your virginity for your wedding night.  I’m not saying you have to then commit yourself to God and join a local church.  This is just common sense!  There are many other ways to say “I love you” other than to “make love”.  There’s intimate conversation, acting out your promises, showing each other that the other partner is worth it and means something to you.  Gone are the days when the phrase “making love” just meant kissing.  Just imagine what it would be like if the person you marry said that they had saved themselves for you alone.  What a wedding present that would be!

How Do I Turn My Life Around?

Do people mess up?  Do they have sex outside of marriage then later come to their senses?  Yeah.  It’s not over if that happens.  What matters is the mindset one has on the subject.  Do they think that sex outside of marriage is right or wrong?  It doesn’t matter what they have done in the past, it matters where they stand right now.

Interestingly enough, it’s a lot harder to say something, then actually turn around and practice it in their lives.  Easier said than done, right?  It takes a person of strong character to live up to what they say.  They’re going to have to surround themselves with people who think like they want to think.  Remember, it’s easier for the weak one to pull down the strong one than it is for the strong one to pull up the weak one.

Maybe a new set of friends would help.  Maybe re-aligning your morals and values is in order.  Maybe the fact that you don’t think twice before having sex outside of marriage is a sign of even larger issues in your life.  Think about it.  Would you want to know that when you were conceived, your parents had no intentions of commitment?  They just wanted to have one night of fun but you were the unintended byproduct?  Or would you rather know that your parents did it the other way?  That they strived to know one another in other ways before they married.  That they committed to investing time in building the character of their relationship.  That they planned to construct a strong household.  Postponing satisfaction can reap more benefits than indulging on a whim every time the opportunity presents itself.


Bio and Sexual Ethics

Pre-marital Sex

3 Steps for Better Verbal Intimacy

What Teens Should Know About Sex

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