Single Dad-Hood

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I am a single dad of a boy and a girl.  Of course, I have many other roles but being a single father in my upmost joy in my current life (and probably will be for quite some time!).  I was raised in a two parent household, so I never experienced a broken household as a kid.  Many others from my generation (Generation “X”) have experienced the heartache of divorce.  As a kid, I remember many of my friend’s parents splitting up.  I was horrified of the thought that it might happen to my family too.  Thankfully, my mom and dad are still happily married (for 42 years!) and I attribute many of my morals, ethics, stableness, values and faith in God to them.

Being a single dad isn’t the easiest thing in the world.  In the beginning (this was back in November 2009), I didn’t want it.  Sure, I loved my kids.  What I didn’t want (at first) was the divorce.  Being a married man was what I knew for 8 ½ years before my kid’s mom left us.  For 3 weeks, I had a little taste of what it was like to be a single dad.  I was already very involved in my kid’s lives so it was an easy transition in some respects.  I could cook, do laundry, clean, get them dressed, read to them and tuck them in at night.  After being separated from their mom for 15 months, the divorce was finalized in January 2011 and I then officially stepped into single dad-hood.

As a part of the divorce proceedings, my ex and I decided to equally share the kids.  This, I knew, was the best for them.  Every child needs both parents involved in their lives.  There needs to be a mother figure to nurture the child in ways a father wasn’t designed for.  A mother listens to her kids needs, teaches femininity (to her girls), shows patience by allowing her kids to learn from their mistakes, exemplifies purity through her actions and demonstrates self control by keeping her temper in check (among other things).  I am not saying here that a father cannot be any of these to his child(ren) (except for the femininity part!).  These attributes simply don’t fit into our nature.  Just like most men would rather spend 8 hours at work than cook a meal.

My kids, 4 and 2, at the beginning of me and their mom’s separation (December 2009)

Most feminists today would stop right here and say that a mother figure is all a child needs.  That is where they are very wrong!  All children need a father (or father figure) in their lives just as much as they need a mother (or mother figure).  In the same way, a father can enrich his child(ren’s) lives in ways the mother cannot.  A father shows stability in keeping routines or providing for the children, we are prayer leaders, we protect our family by locking doors or defending them from harm, and we teach our children morality, life skills and masculinity (to our sons!).  Of course there are other ways we fathers influence our kid’s lives.  And the same thing applies here.  The mother can help out in some of these areas as well, just not to the extent that the father can.

The mother/father roles should also not conflict with each other.  For example, most of the time, I support the way my kid’s mother raises them.  I don’t put the burden of discipline on her shoulders by saying, “Just wait until your mother hears about this!” or “I’m going to let your mother handle this,” In other words, I still consider her a “good mom” (she just wasn’t a good wife for a lot of our marriage).

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Me and my son on a hike in the foothills

Hopefully, if you are in this situation, you and the other parent have already developed discipline tactics that worked for the kids before the divorce and are continuing along the same road during post-divorce.  Unfortunately, some divorced couples cannot agree on anything, including what role they need to play in their children’s lives or one of the parents is totally absent.  In this case, I suggest finding someone to step in where the missing parent was.  This could be found in an uncle, aunt, grandparent or an eventual step-parent.

 

Raising two kids of the opposite gender requires many different strategies, tactics and methods.  My daughter would rather paint a porcelain tea set then hike up Lookout Mountain and my son would rather go on a bike ride than try on different hats.  This calls for much cunning, skill and sharpness on my part.  I like to “mix things up” a bit and build on my continuing role as their dad.  You’ve probably heard the saying, “Any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad,” That is my everyday goal for my kids; to be their dad.

Sure, I discipline them and have to lay down the law sometimes but I am also their best friend and buddy.  I am someone who answers when they call, invests time in them, helps them with homework, fixes their “owies” and goofs off with them.  I don’t want to be a distant, always distracted and uninvolved man who is too busy playing on the computer, watching movies or playing video games to spend time with the kids.  I make it a point to never turn down a chance to dance with my daughter or listen to my son explain something new he found on Minecraft; when I’m paying bills, eating, putting groceries away, watching a movie, no matter what I’m doing.  I know guys who have had their kids taken away from them and will probably never see them.  I’ve heard their regret, pain and longing when I talk to them.  They only want to be with their kids but they can’t.  I think of that every time I see my kids.  I never want to take them for granted, so I use every moment with them to the fullest.

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My daughter and me at Boondocks

My kids do make me happy but they are not the objects of my happiness.  Sure, they can be a big part of making me happy; they just aren’t the sole providers of my happiness.  True happiness comes from within and should not be rooted in things outside myself.  This is true because I have no control over how other people act towards me and how they affect my happiness.  If I expect people to be the objects of my happiness, I will live a miserable life full of rejection and let-downs.  My inner happiness should only come from one constant; God.  He is the only one who is never changing and remains someOne with whom I can expect to always love me.  Things on this earth are temporary, including my kids.  In the same way, they should not expect me to be the object of their happiness.  Of course, they are too young to really grasp any of these concepts but I act as their moral compass and show them how to truly create joy and happiness in their lives.

 

As a single dad, one of the things I try to stay away from are stereotypes that tell me who I’m supposed to be.  I don’t see myself as “just another single dad”.  That wouldn’t get me anywhere.  As I’ve said before, my single dad-hood is just one of my many roles.  It’s not my entire existence.  I’m not Dustin Hoffman, Mr. Mom, who keeps a perfect house and fulfills the roles of both parents.  A big expectation today is that single dads should raise their kids like moms do.  You know what happens if we try that?  We fail…miserably or we just simply give up and walk away.  Bringing up kids should be totally natural for dads.  Moms have their own ways of raising kids but we dads have our ways too.  Here are some of the things I love to with my kids: go raspberry picking, bike riding, make s’mores, go fishing, take a hike, hang out at Chatfield Reservoir, go to the Butterfly Pavilions, read books, pray together, make pancakes, spend an afternoon at the library, play card games, take the lightrail to downtown and many more.  We dads are unique; and kids love it!

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A canoe trip

Sure, dads have the same end goals in mind for our kids that moms do.  We want our kids to grow up in a loving, caring, stable home, play sports or get involved in extracurricular activities, have healthy friendships/relationships with kids from both genders, get a good education and go on to raise their own families in the same way they were brought up.  Both parents would like to see their kids meet all those goals.  However, both parents will have different ways of achieving those goals.  Mothers will be more nurturing, while fathers will be the encouraging coaches.  Neither way is wrong, they’re just different.  Parents shouldn’t expect our kids to meet those goals, we should just do our best and hope that our kids make the right decisions.

 

Nothing makes me any less important as a dad to my kids just because their mom and I are divorced.  If anything, I play more of a stabilizing role in their lives than ever before.  And maybe someday if I remarry (which I hope to), my fatherly role will continue in partnership with my new wife (and her kids if she has any).  It is my goal for my kids to grow up and think back to this time of their lives with fondness.  I want them to attribute their strong upbringing to me (and their mom) just as I do the same for my parents.

Here are some surprising statistics taken in 2013 about single parent households:

  • There 2 million single fathers in the US (Dad Stats)
  • 17 percent of custodial single parents are men (Dad Stats)
  • 8% of households with minor children in the United States are headed by a single father (The Rise of Single Fathers)
  • The number of single father households has increased about nine-fold since 1960 (The Rise of Single Fathers)
  • Single fathers are more likely than single mothers to be living with a cohabiting partner (The Rise of Single Fathers)
  • Cohabiting single fathers are particularly disadvantaged on most socio-economic indicators.  They are younger, less educated and more likely to be living in poverty than are fathers who are raising children without a spouse or partner in the household (The Rise of Single Fathers)
  • Single dads are younger, less educated, less financially well-off and less likely to be white (The Rise of Single Fathers)
  • The increase in single fatherhood is somewhat due to a marked increase in the share of non-marital births (The Rise of Single Fathers)
  • The role of fathers has evolved, and the public now acknowledges their importance not only as breadwinners, but also as caregivers (The Rise of Single Fathers)
  • Single fathers are typically less educated and less well-off than their married counterparts (The Rise of Single Fathers)
  • Black fathers are the most likely to be heads of single father households—29% are. This share drops to 20% among Hispanic fathers and just 14% among white fathers (The Rise of Single Fathers)
  • Poverty is also linked with single fatherhood: More than one-third (36%) of fathers who are living at or below the poverty line are single parents. This share drops to 13% for those living above the poverty line (The Rise of Single Fathers)

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Works Cited

https://www.fatherhood.gov/content/dad-stats

http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/07/02/the-rise-of-single-fathers/

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3 thoughts on “Single Dad-Hood

  1. Great thoughts, Dave! I especially like the part where you say Dads will do it differently than Moms and that is right and good. 🙂 May the Lord continue to guide you as you keep growing in knowing His love and grace for you and your family. Col. 2:9,10 is becoming a good anchor for me, may the Lord keep reminding you that He gives you all you need to do what He wants you to do. 🙂

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